Thursday, April 30, 2009

B Surfers

If Jesus crash landed back to Earth from the outer dimensions of unknown time and space, rode into the hells of New York on a cactus and ordered a hot dog, you would get B Surfers.

OK so A for effort on making an almost complete alphabet with the A standing for "Atrocious". Is that a goldfish inside the o's? and why does the @ symbol look mysteriously like an eyeball? Do people even have ankhs anymore?!? And it's like almost every letter has an attachable air conditioner on it or something, but that doesn't constitute this font as being cool...

This guy's off to find the creator of this putrid eyesore and pop a cap his ace! I'd rather look at him for 2 minutes than the font itself. I bet you the pricks have poison in them and give all computers deadly viruses. For all I care, B Surfers can ride the waves of my middle finger back to the valley...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Guest Hater Brian Taylor on Shotgun BT

Brian Taylor/Illustrator

As you can see the hate is spreading faster than the swine flu. Today's post is donated by an illustrator who I'm privileged to work with. You can see Brian's work through the link above. He's illustrated for the Los Angeles Times, Billboard, USA Weekend, Variety, The Washington Post, and tons of other publications that probably use crappy fonts that we'll soon get to. Let's hear what Mr. Taylor has to say...

"You think you're all hardcore, don't you 'Shotgun BT'? You think because you got a couple bullet holes in your font, you can hang in the streets? You think just because you got the word 'shotgun' in your name I'm supposed to be afraid of you? Maybe in the 1920s you could hang, with all those lame old time gangsters with their tommy guns and zoot suits...But this is 2009, son. You just can't hang today. Fonts today would eat you alive. You look foolish. You look like a punk and a sucka."

"Have you ever been used for anything? Has anyone ever said "Yeah, I want that font. The one with the retarded Pac-Man brothers, C, E & G" And what's with the letter 'F'? Is that really supposed to be an 'F'?"

"And if you thought the letters were bad. Look at those numbers. Horrible. Just horrible. Shotgun BT, you are the worst!"

Special guest hater,

Brian Taylor

Monday, April 27, 2009


You would think a font like this would be great on a hot summer day while lying in the pool with hookers in mermaid costumes, but no. Soda is like the RC Cola of fonts, what the hell is it, why was it created, and who the hell wants it? It's as flat, if not flatter, than Meg Ryan's chest.

Oh yippee... spare me any lowercase fonts or numbers. While you're at it, please forget the symbols as well. If there's anything good about this font, it's that the H looks like a friggin Star Wars Tie Fighter that I can highly appreciate, but is destroyed by Luke Skywalker and Princess Leah (the twin I's and J's). Don't forget that highly aroused V either...

This is probably the only use for a font like Soda. Slapped haphazardly like a rich mother who can't take care of her kids. Not even a two million dollar gym can work this waste of postscript into shape.

Friday, April 24, 2009


WOWZERS!!! Someone saved themselves a lot of time and effort by just naming this exactly what it is. It takes balls for someone to just make something entirely pointless and upload it for the world to see its hideousness.

NO! I did not make a mistake. The top half is the uppercase version and get this, the lower half is... LOWERCASE! GENIUS! Let's just take the uppercase letters and make the smaller to make lowercase letters! OF COURSE! Why be so angry and create a font that expresses what I feel when I can just make everything small?!? It's so simple!!!

Look at me! I'm Herez Pilton! I'm going to judge how you look by writing stuff on your photo then steal other people's fashion sense and claim them as my own! WOOOOOO!!! Take that you stupid celebrities that I, myself, have eventually become making me a complete hypocrite! Yeah! Penis on your faces! Go pee pee on the floor!! EEEEEHHHHHH... fail.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Atari Kids

Stardate, 9..0... 210... We've come across an alien life form unlike no other. It's properties characterize it as fugly and legibly inoperable. Not even fonts in the distant future are safe from craptacular design and idiocy. Beam this one back to the incinerator where it belongs.

Do not be afraid people. Do not adjust your screens. What you are seeing, is real. Just uppercase letters. That's it. Well, I guess at least the damage to our eyes will be minimal then right? It's kinda funny too, I keep thinking of those monkeys with the little red hats like Mr. Teeny in the Simpsons.

Pack your bags everyone, the world has ended, Keanu approves the font... Then again he is wearing sunglasses so hopefully he's looking elsewhere like a bright piece of gum that got stuck inbetween his fingernails. Let's hope the Terminator eliminates this monstrosity before Skynet plans to use it as their default font for all systematic technology.

Monday, April 13, 2009


We got a real winner with this one folks. In case your eyes are squinting harder than the after-effects of an eclipse, the name of this doosy is Saraband. Originating from the Craptaculous Age, Saraband was created for one purpose and one purpose only... to suck extremely hard.

Not even a number... NO WAIT! There's a 3! What? That's Z? Christ on a crutch you got to be kidding me. Helen Keller can't even decipher this ridiculousness! Is that an A or an O? An I or a J? We need John Nash to spend years deciphering the mystery of life known as Saraband.

I had to add the black background so we can just see the type. It's meant to say "Why hath thou not licketh thy testicles". I figured since it was a dog I should use some dog humor. I know, it's not as funny with this seriously bad font all over it. Excuse me while i remove it from my font collection permanently. Saraband? More like SaraSUCK!!!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Very Bad Posture

Hmmm... more like, VERY BAD TYPE DESIGN!!! OF THE FACE!!! OK that sounded violent but nothing as violent compared to the displayed font. Right off the bat it's hard to categorize where this font would be used. For some reason I want to think Stone Age.

If the objective of this font is to poorly draw lines over scanned felt tipped marker than that person succeeded with flying colors. I also can't get over the fact that some letters have serifs and others do not. What the hell man? A little consistency wouldn't hurt now would it? Although I do love how the O suspiciously looks like a condom imprint from far away.

I hear ya Quas... To be honest, I prefer your posture over this font any day of the week. Even your spinal cord is far straighter than the inset lines. I just want to live in a world where letters have equal amounts of serifs, is that so much to ask? Is it?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

New York City

Wow, look at this piece of work. Seriously, if you presented this font to anyone who lived in New York, they would probably choke you to death and sell your organs to Katz's Deli because they make anything taste good. It's like New Years Eve when people just wear random crap on their head just to look ridiculously stupid.
I seriously don't know where to start. The fact alone that IMPACT was blatantly raped and thrown to the curb just disgusts me. Or maybe IMPACT deserved it, who knows. All I'm saying is, if you're going to throw random idiocy on letterforms, don't stop at the numbers! No symbols whatsoever, so disappointing! Couldn't we get Yankee stadium on top of the dollar sign? JFK airport over the quotation marks? Cmon man, put some effort into your rape-age!

Frank Sinatra wouldn't even offer a light to this font's cigarette. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now assembling the rat pack and descending to earth as poisonous girl scout cookies to eat out the insides of whomever designed this atrocity. In the end, don't mess with New York City! Unless it's the font, then you can do whatever I don't care.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Mister Loopy

No, not Mister Boopy or Mister Poopy or Le Miserabes, Mister Loopy. I'll tell you right now whoever made this font is indeed out of his damn mind because it's a mess and wouldn't even pass to be on Rachael Ray's spaghetti packaging.

What the hell? Is that a 3 or a B? Or 2? Wha... oh my God this is making my head spin just trying to figure out what letterforms are what. The friggin ampersand looks like half a gingerbread man for crying out loud! Is the @ symbol the logo for Mother and Child? Anyone have kids? Because the X's make great butterflies. The angriest letter has to be the one with the identity crisis, yeah that's right, I'm looking at you A, I mean C, I uh... whichever you are...

I think even Jack would be upset over this font. If they included it in the One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest movie, everybody after would need to commit themselves to a mental asylum. This is the straw that forced the chief to speak and scream like a little girl while running off into the woods. Mister Loopy... indeed you are sir.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Taco Modern

I hate you! Yes, you, Taco Modern. You should not exist, you look so stupid. Who uses you in their logos? You don't even resemble a taco at all!

Your letters are so dirty, there are needless rocks everywhere. You must not have bathed in a long time! Oooo you made your N and O hollow, how classy of you, so original... Why don't you get more symbols to join your stupidness party!

Here, I made you some phrases that represent your fontness. I think they make it better or at least funnier. I am happy with the caveman feel I give you. And I like your lowercase i's that look like exclamation points. It's like evolution right before my eyes!


This is Stupid Annoying Fonts. Here I will post all the fonts I hate and why. I hope you will hate them as well. Let us begin our hate of fonts together.