OBAMA

Yes people, it exists... The first black president font is here and ready to invade computers worldwide. Good thing? Not really.

Secret Service is already at my door trying to bust it down for bashing the President. It's not that I don't like the guy, it's the fact someone had to make a damn font out of it. Seriously... Why? We see him enough as is, now he has to be on a screen 24/7? I don't think so...

If you're going to make a presidential font, why not make one of Bill Clinton in the oval office? Or GWB intoxicated at the wheel? Or even better, Lincoln moments before assassination? Hard truths like these need to be examined more thoroughly in my opinion...

Screw This

That's exactly what I said when I saw this font. I'm not even going to bother telling you about it or else I'll have a mailbox full of hate and volcanic anger. But, this is a font hating blog, so let's get on with the show.

This is just as bad as not wiping your bottom after going to the bathroom. Can you believe someone actually took pride in this? Do people still think that gritty and trashy fonts are in? Me either. Oh yeah, the last four uppercase letters looks like a damn forest...

This picture says it all. Take that hipster youth! You know you earned it when I'm 100% correct! Screw that ya jerks!

Ascent

HIIIGHWWAAAAYYY TOOOO THE CRAPPY FONT ZOOONNNEEE!!!! I love that song, I play it all the time. I'll tell you what I don't love... this font. It's a blatant insult to America and should be burned with the Communists. Excuse me while I kill a bald eagle...

Stars and stripes can't save this grossness. I bet you if we used this font in the Revolutionary War, we would be drinking warm lager and eating eel pies. I can't even believe this font has been around! So used and dirty, and don't even try to humor me by using stars for semi colons because it aint workin sister!

100% guaranteed Tom Cruise went to Scientology after they used this font in Top Gun. I can feel it in my bones. Ascent, you're more like the crash and burn of fonts!

Illustrious

WHOA! THIS FONT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND THEN PICKING UP THE PHONE TO CALL JENNY CRAIG BECAUSE IT'S SO FAT AND USELESS. SOMEONE SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO STOP STALKING KIRSTIE ALLEY WHILE CREATING FONTS.

YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M GOING TO KEEP WRITING IN CAPS, EAT IT KANYE... JUST LOOK AT IT. SO DENSE, SO FAT, SO UNNECESSARY, SO ILLEGIBLE. PERSONALLY I WOULD JUST STICK WITH THE LOWERCASE SINCE YOU CAN AT LEAST MAKE THOSE OUT. LOVE THE QUOTATION MARKS BTW AND HOW THEY POSITIVELY FEEL LIKE THE SAME FONT...

HAHA! NOT EVEN MARIO CAN BREAK IT! HE IS DOOMED AND SO IS THE PRINCESS! SUCH A SHAME. OH WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME THERE WILL BE A BETTER AND MORE BREAKABLE FONT TO REPRESENT THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM.

Boss M

Who are you Boss M? Seriously. You look like a bad Jim Carrey movie from the early 90's. Do you go on job interviews looking like that? Do you think it's so cool to be different? You going hipster on me? Let me tell you where you're going buddy... NOWHERE!!!!

By God it looks like a clown just had the runs. It's like Morse Code for the blind. I don't know whether to hate it or run my back through a cheese grater. Half these letters are the same thing only to the side or upside down! Thank jeebus lowercase letters were nowhere to be found. You can compare that to the dwarf version of Britney Spears post crazy breakdown...

I like Jim Carrey, but it breaks my heart to use this font on him. The only reason I'm doing it is because the M reminds me of the Mask movie. Otherwise I wouldn't even use this fon't on a costume party invitation.

Zigie Zag

This is what my brain feels like after trying to configure this font. My IQ took a severe stock market crash down to Lehman Brothers. It's like looking at an arts and crafts class in a maximum security prison. In all honesty I can write my name better in the snow.

Why should I even bother? Just look at the last line of symbols for God's sake! ELIJAH?!?! Those aren't even supposed to be letters!!! This is why Zigie Zag is along and lonely. It doesn't know where it's going. Simply put, all over the place and uninspired.

I'm done... This is by far the worst. Not because I'm in a bad mood but just because it is. Especially when it can't even write out what you want to say on a damn photo! How am I supposed to be funny with illegible copy?!? HOW?!?!?

B Surfers

If Jesus crash landed back to Earth from the outer dimensions of unknown time and space, rode into the hells of New York on a cactus and ordered a hot dog, you would get B Surfers.

OK so A for effort on making an almost complete alphabet with the A standing for "Atrocious". Is that a goldfish inside the o's? and why does the @ symbol look mysteriously like an eyeball? Do people even have ankhs anymore?!? And it's like almost every letter has an attachable air conditioner on it or something, but that doesn't constitute this font as being cool...

This guy's off to find the creator of this putrid eyesore and pop a cap his ace! I'd rather look at him for 2 minutes than the font itself. I bet you the pricks have poison in them and give all computers deadly viruses. For all I care, B Surfers can ride the waves of my middle finger back to the valley...